Spencer  

“I realized the only roadblock to my recovery was me, but healing began when I chose to stop standing in my own way.” 

My name is Spencer, and I am a proud Southern Ute tribal member. I grew up surrounded by culture, family, and a community that cared about me. But even with love around me, somewhere along the way I lost love for myself. Addiction didn’t hit me all at once; it was slow and silent. One escape, one coping mechanism, until it took over my life completely. People liked to say it was a choice; that I could just decide to stop. But addiction is deeper than that it takes hold of your spirit and convinces you that you’re not worth saving. 

I reached a point where I barely recognized the person staring back at me in the mirror. I was tired of the pain I caused myself and the people I cared about. I didn’t want to keep waking up to the same hopelessness. So, I finally reached out to the higher power and asked, “What do I need to do to change? Why don’t I love myself?” And what I heard was this, “Go back to your childhood. Back to when you loved yourself. Back to your values, your morals, who you were before addiction.” 

It sounds simple, but going back was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to dig into old memories and old wounds. I had to forgive myself for things that happened when I was too young to understand any of it. I had to figure out what I was missing and what I found was family. Connection. Belonging. I realized that to heal, I had to understand my own heart and body again. I had to reflect on what truly mattered: the roots I came from and the people who have always been there. 

Today, I’m living in recovery. I’m rebuilding my life with intention, grounded in who I am and who I want to become. I show up for myself, for those who love me, and for those still fighting. 

To anyone struggling, I want you to know this: You are still in there. The version of you who believed, who loved, who hoped; that person isn’t gone. You just have to reach back and bring them forward again. You are worth every step of recovery.