I give up: I want stuff

Don OliverI can’t take it anymore.

At this time of the year, I always get angry. Retailers are doing their best to get me to spend every last cent I have on stuff to give to my friends and family. For years, I have been under the impression that this time of the year was about peace and goodwill toward our fellow man.

So I fought the reality of the season by being in a bad mood and trying to get everyone around me to follow suit. It didn’t work. This year, I have given up on asking for world peace, the end of hunger, politicians obtaining backbones, the press ending its prejudice toward Republicans, and Lake Nighthorse opening.

Nope, I’m going after stuff.

Since I haven’t asked for stuff in such a long time, I was at a loss for whom to ask. I was not going to the mall to sit on some old guy’s lap and tell him what a good man I’ve been. I was in a quandary until I saw an ad from a retailer.

Men, if you are over 60, I have found the place we need to go. I am going to Victoria’s Secret to visit with Miss Claus. Imagine the surprise our wives will have when we tell them we want to go the mall with them. This is going to be great.

I plan on getting there really early because I know Miss Claus will tire out from all of us overweight guys sitting on her lap. I envision standing at the head of the line and Miss Claus, dressed in Victoria’s Secret’s idea of what one should wear to work, calling me over and patting her lap for me to have a seat.

She’ll then say, “Tell Miss Claus what you’d like for Christmas.”

I want a bass boat, I’ll say. Not one of those that looks like a rocket ship, just a small one that I can catch bass, trout, pike, and carp from.

“Go on.”

My waders are leaking, so a new pair would be nice. Along with wading boots that will keep my feet warm.

I’m sure MC will remind me my wife can keep my feet warm, and I’ll have to let MC know you can’t get two pairs of feet into one pair of boots. I’m sure MC doesn’t know how to fly-fish. I’ll then whisper in her ear, “Sunscreen that is thinner than motor oil and smells as good as you do would be nice.” I’m sure she’ll blush at my flirting, but she knows I’m harmless.

As my time is running out MC will say, “ Two more wishes, and it will be time for all the other geysers to have their turn.” Man time flies when you’re having fun.

For my last two wishes I say, “I want the leader and tippet manufacturers to stop making line that ties itself into knots. All the while telling me it’s the wind.”

“One more” I hear quietly in my ear.

“I want to be the man my grandkids and dog think I am.”

“No problem, now look at the camera for your picture with MC.”

I’m going to have it framed and put on the mantel so I can remember what Christmas is really about.

I want to close with my traditional year-end closing. “I wish everyone; Felize Navidad, Happy Hanukkah, a good Eid as-Adha, and of course, Merry Christmas. If none of these fits your beliefs, then may whatever touches your heart with hope be with you all of 2013.”

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