Late December brings on a series of holidays recognized in the so-called United States aimed at bringing families and friends together in the spirit of joy, kinship, gratitude, and hope for the future of a new year to come. These emotions and the sharing of experiences with the people we care about are often called the reason for the season. However, what if those feelings do not arise even when we think they ought to? Why do some people feel empty or experince the absence of any feeling at all when others seem to be laughing, smiling, or in awe of these holiday festivities?  

We might point to the rise of commercialism that encourages people to consume and purchase mountains of gifts that may not even be appreciated. We might also think about the history of broken promises around the holidays, when we had to do with less than our neighbors. Those experiences are real and valid. However, if we take a step back and think to ourselves, “that’s how it is in every season, not just now,” then it could be a mental health challenge; when emotions and their associated feelings are out of reach or don’t happen the way they seem to happen in others.  

Alexithymia is a symptom of many mental health challenges, and it affects many people in our community. It is sometimes called emotional colorblindness, and that describes what it’s like for some people who have it. There are three elements of alexithymia, 1) It’s hard to know what emotion you are feeling in a situation, 2) Putting the emotions you feel into words is hard or impossible, 3) When we feel overwhelmed or stressed, we tend to look for answers in the material world around us.  

So, people who have alexithymia often have this experience that they have no emotion throughout their day, they wake up, go to work, things happen, and for all or most of it they could not tell you any feelings that went with those experiences. Then, whenever someone asks them how they feel in that moment, they may answer “okay,” or “good,” or “fine,” but these aren’t really emotions. Oftentimes, that question has been asked of people with alexithymia, and instead of saying “I’m not sure,” or “I don’t know,” which tends to lead to more questions, they learn to say, “I’m okay,” or similar things, to progress the conversation or stop the questions.  

Lastly, the person who has alexithymia tends to see talking about emotions and experiences as a waste of time and that feelings are mostly irrelevant to solving problems in life and making decisions. For many with alexithymia life is about the results of their hard work and effort, and that stress is the product of not having enough or not trying hard enough to get what they want.  

People with alexithymia often show up for other people in their lives as stoic, steady, confident, and calm. Nothing ever seems to bother them. However, the emotions aren’t really gone, they are just being stored up in a pressurized tank. Inside that tank, the pressure forces all the feelings to mix so that they can’t be easily separated, and the pressure builds up in the form of stress. People with alexithymia try to find ways to ventilate this pressure without talking about it and this is particularly true for men who are heavily discouraged from talking about feelings. If this sounds like you, or someone you know, it can be helpful to talk to a professional to decide if you might need new ways to release that pressure.  

As always, we at the Behavioral Health Center are here for you if you would like to talk to someone. It’s okay not to feel okay. If you or someone you know has been struggling with their emotions, behaviors, or substance use, please reach out to us. We can help you find appropriate tools and services that could help you overcome obstacles in your life. We are here for you. Please contact the Southern Ute Behavioral Health Division at 970-563-5700 for more information or to set up an appointment to see a counselor or therapist.